I feel like shit.
And I'm tired of feeling like shit about everything. About everyone. I float as a ghost through the day, attached to nothing and to no one. I have no space of my own, and time flies by beneath my fingertips in a way that seems unreal. I think about you constantly, and for some reason it feels as though everyone believes that the way I react and feel is incorrect. But how can it be incorrect if this is the way I fucking feel?
There's all this feeling, all this emotion, that seems to well just beneath the surface. Leaving a headache to rot my skull. But it's beneath a layer of complete detachment, I can't feel anything, only can hear the whimpers of emotion as they pass me unnervingly by. I stare, unable to register.
I realize my creativity is locked in a place where I cannot reach, I wonder if it's worth reaching at all. Or if anything really is. The day by day is dragging me down, and I have nothing to do. Stressed when I'm working, stressed when I'm not. There is a gaping empty hole inside of me that I want so badly to fill, but I can't help but looking in all the wrong places.
My mom used to say that the hollow hole was meant for God and our relationship with Jesus, but that didn't work for me either. I used to think that writing filled the same hole, but if there's no audience and no inspiration, what the fuck's the point? Then, I thought maybe romance could fill the hole, and if no one wanted to date me then maybe sex would do the trick. Yet it's as gaping as ever, howling with all the emotions I can't seem to face. I don't understand just how one faces..anything. And I need time alone, but I cannot be alone. There has been no time to be alone, to be my self.
I don't know what will bring me back to a state of purpose. I don't know what will bring me back to a place of self-love. Everything seems gray in the moment. Everything seems temporary and not at all how I had expected. I don't know what I want, I don't know what I want.
But I want more than this. I want more than all of it. I'm so fucking sick of being complacent.
The only thing I know how to do is write, and even that doesn't seem like a skill that I can utilize at the moment.
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